Someone's having a laugh

It's amusing to hear three unbelievable things before breakfast. So I had to chuckle when a trio of bizarre rumours reached me at the same time.

The first was that the Labour MP for Birmingham Edgbaston, Gisela Stewart, was planning to defect to the Tories.

Gisela was a member of the body that drew up the European constitution. Even she was appalled by the monster she helped to create and has been opposed to it ever since.

She will lose her seat at the election and it's possible David Cameron might find her a cosy berth somewhere else. But that's unlikely. Isn't it?

Then I heard Cameron plans to install Ken Clarke, not George Osborne, as his first Chancellor. The thinking goes that Ken can take all the tough decisions and handle all the flak for a couple of years while his past experience will reassure the markets.

Then when the economic storm has died down a little, Ken can go to the Lords and George can come into his inheritance without frightening the horses.

But Ken as Chancellor again? At his age? With his views on Europe? That's unlikely, isn' it?

Finally, I had my biggest laugh when I heard that Charles Barwell was shortlisted to become the next MP for Bromsgrove in place of Julie Kirkbride.

Now I love a chuckle, chortle, guffaw etc as much as the next man, but really, this one is quite beyond a joke.

Will you please stop sending me these ridiculous rumours because I can't keep a straight face any more?