Dear Mr Bank Manager
You know that mortgage you lent me a few years ago? Well, I've spent so much money having fun and retiring early that I can't afford to repay it any more.
So I have decided that in future I will only pay off the capital and the interest on 30 per cent of the original sum.
What's more, my friends are lending me the money so I can afford to do even that.
This isn't an offer, it’s an ultimatum; take it or leave it.
You get to lose 70 per cent of your money but let's not say I'm defaulting on your loan, let's just say you are taking a bit of a haircut.
Think yourself lucky – at least you're not bald. Yet…
A little loss
If Lloyds bank makes a massive loss, partly because it mis-sold insurance policies, why does it only cut a small proportion of its top people’s bonuses? Why not axe them completely?
Let the train take the strain
Excellent news if you’re planning to enter Britain illegally – get yourself a Eurostar ticket and the immigration people will assume you’re “judged to be low-risk” and you can waltz into Britain unhindered. It’s much cheaper than paying your life-savings to a people-smuggling gang – and more comfortable too.
A shot in the dark
Will an elected police chief stop three shootings in Wolverhampton in just one day? No, I thought not.
Water, water everywhere
Don't be fooled by all this talk of drought. There's plenty of water, it's just that it's in the wrong place. Plus if the population rises 12.5 per cent in 30 years, which it has done, it’s no wonder we use more water.
The appointment of poliversity guru Les Ebdon as head of fair access to higher education is not only a disaster but proof that the Lib Dem tale is wagging the Tory dog. And we haven’t even got to reform of the House of Lords yet.