Starmer or the farmer? The nightmare before Christmas

If farmers want peaceful protest to succeed quickly, here’s a suggestion: Withdraw all turkey from the market from now until after Christmas.

Obviously, lots of families would be dismayed and distraught. But who would they blame? Farmers or the politicians responsible for their plight? Starmer or the farmer? No contest, it would be Starmer.

There would be outrage over this attack on the nation’s traditional festive fare (except from a few leftie vegans). Imagine the reaction of the Daily Mail or the Sun.

The NFU should levy all its members to recompense turkey farmers for the income they would lose and promise that, if Rachel Thieves withdraws her ruinous death tax, turkey will be back on the menu in time for December 25.

Instead of being the Grinch, Starmer and his little elf Rachel could then portray themselves as the Politicians Who Saved Christmas. 

• I’m not sure if this policy would also work for Brussels sprouts but it may be worth a try.

The black hole and how to deal with it

What do you do when you discover a black hole in the nation’s finances? A hole so enormous you can’t even pay the interest on your existing debts?

Always assuming you want to maintain an army and a Government in the manner to which it has become accustomed (you know, free clothes, free specs, very posh free accommodation, free tickets etc)?

You print money, of course. 

These days, it’s called quantitative easing. Back in early 18th century France, they called it ‘le diable d’argent’ – Devil Money.

And it was all the brainchild of a fugitive Scotsman who fled England to avoid execution for murder, who made his living as a gambler and who had some interesting economic theories.

John Law conjured money out of nowhere.

He became the greatest financier in Europe, controller of the entire French economy – from tax-collecting to introducing paper money – lord of Louisiana, founder of New Orleans.

For Billy Barnett, John Law was a meal-ticket, a mentor, a father-figure and a friend.

Until the black hole threatened to swallow everyone up.

Look out for my new novel, 'Devil Money', coming soon.

Two minutes hate #5 Agoraphobia, 1066 and all that

Our farmers have a dilemma: protest as if they were French or Just Stop Oil nutters and bring the motorways to a standstill - or hope public support will be enough.

Sadly, it is unlikely that a little petitioning and lobbying their local (Labour) MP will be sufficient to reverse Rachel Reeves’s reckless, pig-ignorant class-warfare punishment of family farms.

The inheritance-tax take will wipe out most family farms in a generation and hand the countryside over to giant agriculture corporations and very rich London lawyers, destroying centuries of continuity and investment in the countryside.

Amazingly, the ‘Sunday Times’ is trying to help by exposing the ‘scandal’ that the Royal Family owns quite a lot of land all over the country. Who knew?

It’s not surprising the lefties at Channel 4 are staggered by the revelation that King William I conquered England in 1066 but it surprises me to discover a once-sensible newspaper is doing its bit to support this faux indignation as well.

The aim, no doubt in the service of this Government, is to whip up envy over land ownership by the Monarchy because it helps the campaign to deprive your average farmer of his rightful inheritance as well.

It’s all part of the egalitarian socialists’ campaign to reduce Britain to the lowest common denominator. Which brings me back to the farmers’ dilemma. 

I would offer a suggestion or two but as doing so risks being jailed on some trumped-up charge by one of Starmer’s lackeys such as Melbourne Inman, the Recorder of Birmingham, it’s probably best just to sympathise with their dilemma.

Two minutes hate #4 - Instant Starmer

 Keir Starmer’s gonna get you
Going to ban your vape and smoke
You gonna lose your savings, darling
Pretty soon you're going to be broke.

What in the world you're thinking of

Voting for a Labour Gov?

What on earth you gonna to do

When they screw you, yeah, you?

 

Keir Starmer’s gonna get you

Going to leave you all much weaker

You better get out of the country

Swap with an asylum-seeker.

 

How in the world you gonna see?

Laughing at a fool like me?

Who on earth d'you think you are?

A broken star, right you are.

 

Well, with all hope gone

A black hole and he’s only begun

Well, with all hope gone

A black hole and he’s only begun 

 

Keir Starmer’s gonna hit you

Gonna knock you off your feet.

Better warn all of your brothers

It’s a tragic defeat.

 

Why in the world’s he here?

Just to make us live in pain and fear?

Why on earth are they there?

They’re everywhere, gonna take your share.

 

Well, with all hope gone

A black hole and he’s only begun

Well, with all hope gone

Everyone, come on, yeah

 

Well, with all hope gone

A black hole and he’s only begun

Well, with all hope gone

A black hole and he’s only begun

Two minutes hate #3 An introduction to the Labour Government

There’s nothing to fear
From two-tier Kier.
His gift to the nation?
Much more taxation.

It’s no drama
For Kier Starmer.
Inclusive is right.
Just jail anyone white.

Angela Rayner?
It’s a no-brainer.
No. Freeze.
I should have said, “she’s”.

Yvette Cooper
Is terribly super.
When the media calls
She knows it’s Ed Balls.

Ed Miliband
Is taking a stand.
Now he’s in charge of Britain’s power
We can’t afford to take a shower.

Nobody grieves
For Rachael Reeves.
She’s not all that old
And she don’t feel the cold.

Head girl this term is Phillipson B.
Hates good schools, loves VAT.
You might have hoped as she got older
She’d start to lose that chip on her shoulder.
She believes that, for the good of the nation,
She must impose bog-standard education.
If public schools have greener grass,
Too bad. The middle class
Can kiss her arse,
She’s got the boss’s job at last.

It's a triple whammy
From David Lammy:
He’s taken a dump
On Donald Trump;
He will, without fail,
Betray Israel;
And in a minute or two
He'll rejoin the EU.

Back in the ’70s, the British disease
Was striking for pay which brought us to our knees,
Today, to the trade unions’ delight,
The Government pays up without any fight.
It’s only taxpayers’ money and there’s more and still more
To be mined from “the biggest financial black hole since the war”
For train drivers, teachers, doctors and nurses
Though their service gets worses and worses.
For those found guilty of the “capitalism” crime,
It's pay-back time.

As Dylan Thomas might have said:

Do not go gentle into that good night.
Fa-rage, Fa-rage against the dying of the right.

 

Two minutes' hate #2 Euthanasia, a Labour plot

Scrapping the old people’s heating allowance is just the start of Labour’s sinister war on the elderly.
Inheritance tax will be next, coupled with a crackdown on pensions for everyone who is not a Labour client employed by the State.
Rachel Reeves will also have a go at old people who live in big houses. A garden tax is on the way which will hit pensioners hard and force them to sell up and move into residential homes which will bleed their finances dry.
Worst will be scrapping free prescriptions for old folk. As a result, many pensioners will decide to do without life-prolonging medicines and will thus die earlier than they would have done if they kept taking the pills.
This will be a triumph for Labour. They will slowly cull old people and blame these doddering idiots for not keeping up with their medication.
Euthanasia by another name. A brilliant long-term way of reducing the State pension bill so they can afford to pay even more to incompetent, lazy, Socialist, three-days-week doctors who won’t even have to work so hard any more because all their time-consuming old patients will be dead and buried.
The grave: a Labour plot.

Two minutes' hate #1

 They've been in power less than a week and already we see the fruits of their success:

1. Cracking down on crime by issuing Get Out of Jail Free cards to empty our prisons;
2. Rubbishing the economy so they can say how great they are when inflation and interest rates rise fall thanks to Rishi;
3. Claiming the public finances are worse than they thought so they can justify raising taxes much more than they ever admitted they would;
4. Appointing a Minister for Women who doesn't know what a woman actually is;
5. Ploughing over the Green Belt to accommodate...
   
6. ...all the illegal immigrants they are giving an amnesty to;
7. Stuffing doctors' mouths with (our) gold (again).